The Figgis Agency Commercial
by Red Witch
Summary: Cyril and Krieger shoot a commercial for the Figgis Agency.


**I think Cyril did something to the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some mad thoughts from my tiny little mind.**

 **The Figgis Agency Commercial **

Cyril was sitting at his desk in his office. He was clearly on video. "Hello. I'm Cyril Figgis. Of the Figgis Detective Agency. Where I'm the head of. I mean I'm ahead. I'm the head of the Figgis Detective Agency. Which is my agency. Which I founded."

"Do you have a cheating wife? We'll take care of her. I mean we'll put a tail on her. Phrasing. Does that count as phrasing?"

"My point is if you have a cheating wife, we'll do her. Do the case. The **case!** "

"The Figgis Agency specializes in these services," Cyril got up and went around to the front of the desk. "Protection. Blackmail. Fraud. Spying on people."

Cyril paused. "You get that we don't do these **actual things**. We haven't been convicted of any of those. Well technically the spying on people we do. Surveillance. We do surveillance work."

"Actually, full disclosure, we haven't done any kind of work for a while. That's why I'm making this commercial."

"Look I'm **desperate** here!" Cyril waved his arms. "We'll take a case! **Any case**! Even if you lose a damn cat, we'll look for it!"

"Meow!" Schnuckiputzi popped her head out from behind the desk.

"See? Found one!" Cyril pointed to the cat. "Will you get **out** of here? Damn it Krieger! I can't believe you still have this damn thing. Especially after what happened to the last one!"

The cat disappeared behind the desk. "Look, I admit we're not exactly the best detective agency in the city. But we're cheap and we'll do anything. Like a two-dollar whore! And with this group of sex maniacs I'm in charge of, that's not just an expression."

"So, call the Figgis Agency!" Cyril pointed to a number that flashed onscreen. "For any problem you have big or small. Hell, you don't even have to have a case. You can just call if you want to talk to somebody! We can rap. Hang out! We're not picky!"

"Call the Figgis Agency. We're not picky."

The scene cut to the bullpen where Krieger was sitting at a computer and the majority of the Figgis Agency (Minus Mallory and Archer) were standing behind him watching the video. Everyone then looked to Cyril. No one said anything for a full minute.

"Well?" Cyril said nervously. "What do you think?"

"I think you can cross off being an award-winning actor on the list of possible careers," Krieger remarked. "Or any kind of acting whatsoever."

"I think we would have been better off if the **cat** did the commercial," Cheryl began.

"I think we should start looking at the want ads," Ray added. "In another **state!"**

"I knew it was going to be bad," Pam said. "But not **this bad**!"

"We're not **picky**?" Lana asked. "That's the **best line** you could come up with?"

"Believe it or not," Krieger sighed. "Yes."

"Krieger!" Cyril glared at him.

Krieger sighed. "Thirty-five takes. And **that** was the best one."

"I admit it needs some polish," Cyril remarked.

"What it needs is **a lit match**!" Ray snapped.

"I can supply that," Cheryl volunteered.

Ray added. "Cyril you can't put **that** on the air!"

"Not for lack of trying," Krieger shrugged.

"Krieger!" Cyril glared at him.

"Apparently this commercial was so bad even the local stations won't put it on," Krieger went on.

"Krieger!" Cyril snapped.

"Did you try going to that local station that gives half an hour to that woman that yodels to her cats?" Pam asked.

"First place we went to," Krieger sighed. "Said it wasn't up to their high standards."

"To be fair the Yodeling Cat Lady is pretty funny," Cheryl admitted.

"One station gave us twenty bucks to not only not give them our commercial," Krieger went on. "But to never give them any commercial ever again."

"Krieger!" Cyril snapped.

"We took it," Krieger sighed.

"We got _twenty bucks_ out of this?" Ray asked. "I admit that's more than I thought what we would get."

"Me too," Krieger nodded.

"And why didn't you want us to be involved in this commercial **again?** " Lana looked at Cyril.

"I didn't want you lot to ruin it," Cyril admitted.

"You didn't want us to ruin **that?** " Pam pointed to the screen.

"You should have let us," Cheryl said.

"I gotta give it to her," Lana admitted.

"HEY!" Cyril snapped. "I'm doing the best I can all right?"

"That's what frightens us," Ray admitted.

"Seriously," Pam looked at the others. "How much worse could we have done?"

"I think we're all better off not knowing the answer to **that** question," Krieger quipped.


End file.
